| |
[Aug. 25th, 2007|09:34 pm] |
spent today taking photographs of little soccer kids for seven hours. My legs are SHOT. Once they started aching on the field I hadn't realized how strenuous an activity I was partaking in.
We drove up to Eureka last night, spent the night in a hotel, I took a walk to get high and couldn't fall asleep for hoouuuurs. The hotel was comfortable enough. It was beautiful up there. I slept most of the way up and virtually all of the way down.
Five hour drive. I'll be getting paid $300 for all this. Not bad for a fun weekend with Saturday to spare.
No one's home right now. Shandon's in Fresno and Ryan's in Sacramento.
I've got the sweetest ass roommate setup.
Also I'm not horribly miserable. This whole thing with James is crazy, but the more I've been talking to him after the fact the better I feel.
He's not a bad dude, he didn't fuck me over, he is just at a point where he can't really handle all of this. What occurs between him and myself is serious "I could do this for a good long time" type shit. That's why it hurts most, I guess. I just want it now. I think I can wait. But I'm forgetful, so let's hope that doesn't end badly. Or rather, not end or anything, just going on in time with nothing ever happening. I wouldn't like that very much.
It still makes me feel weird, though. I don't know. It's still rough, and it still hurts.
Anyway.
whatever. |
|
|
| |
[Aug. 23rd, 2007|01:48 pm] |
huge amounts of disappointment (all directed at myself of course)
no self-esteem to speak of
damn.
It got hard again. |
|
|
| |
[Aug. 1st, 2007|01:10 pm] |
explanation for the prior post:
I am SICK. My head feels stuffed, I've got a sinus headache. so much pressure right behind my nose, ouch ouch ouch
My throat is sore and if I lay for too long it gets all mucus-y and boy do I sound weird.
My belly HURTS and oh boy it is not fun at all.
I cannot have a long distance relationship with a boy I am absolutely enamored, infatuated, smitten, taken with. Since it was ultimately his decision it is hard for me to remember that he is absolutely enamored, infatuated, smitten, and taken with me.
But he is! he is he is. I am pretty sure he is, at least.
It's a sort of background lethargic sadness I've got now. I can't treat it like a break-up, I can't get angry or depressed. The reasons are valid and reasonable.
I AM JUST SO DANG SCARED!
Does this mean I am not a goal anymore?
Does this mean that any little lady can come along and take him away?
Does this mean that it's possible he'll stop pining?
Does this mean that it's even less likely I'll get to see him?
Will he just forget?
Will I?
my skin rushed and pulled pulsing through my rivery veins that when pierced turned me pale
I wanted to sing, fall over sing breath songs that you could understand even though they never came from my mouth.
I mean, he prefaced all of this with how he hadn't experienced all these things like the comfort and the lust and et cetera at the level at which he was experiencing them with me. And I already went through a retarded point at which I was hearing what he was saying to me about me and how he felt and was still scared when I stupidly got paranoid that his absence was an attempt to move away.
Jesus, I'd even move to Austin, now.
I miss him something terrible. |
|
|
| |
[Jul. 17th, 2007|11:22 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Nico - These Days | ] |
Hey folks. Anyone who reads their friends list, at least.
What's been up?
Good? Yeah?
Yeah, things have been pretty awesome.
I'm going to Comic-Con at the end of the month.
There is a giant cat trying to get up on my bed. It took him literally about a minute to sit there and shift his weight a bunch of times and calculate his trajectory for his foot and a half jump.
There is a tiny kitten floating over the head of my bed.
I cut my hair, a lot. It looks weird. It looked great when I first did it. That's because I would put the hair on the sides over the horribly short bangs. That only lasted a day.
There are moths and flies flying up the window, and the kitten is scratching the glass until he can't reach anymore.
I have a little plant that I kept alive to fruition. His berries are black. They're gorgeous. This little plant I bought had all sorts of stuff sprout up when all the flowers I picked and left inside them decomposed in the little container. His little flowers were tiny white stars.
I have a boy that I like a lot.
I wish I could explain to you what that means better than I've tried to explain to him.
At work there is a metal partition that I rest on. When I ever put my hand on the one in front of it, I start feeling a buzz in my arm. That is how I feel when he is near me.
He can jolt me back to life. He makes me feel so damn good about everything. He's ruined me for other men. Every insecurity I've had (and I've had so many) he dissolves like they are poprocks. He'll just say a thing and I am all better. Our minds have got a good, interesting connection. Our bodies gravitate towards each other.
Life is so good.
He lives far away and I miss him a lot. He may move further, I don't know. I haven't gotten to talk to him much the past couple days. He said something that just cleared up all the insecurities that incited. That may not sound like much, but I've never been so comfortable in my life.
Way to go, me!
He also made that one website, sorryeverybody.com. He's an e-lebrity! e-larious!
Here is my haircut:
 |
|
|
| |
[Jun. 8th, 2007|03:14 pm] |
I've come to believe from everything I've been reading and paying attention to these last few months that these problems never would have come about if we hadn't lost our connections with nature. Right now we're so detached from the nutrient flows that keep us alive. We don't see or touch the food we eat until we find it on a shelf and chop it up on our kitchen counters. This also has to do with our absolute dependence on oil. The amount of energy required to sustain our current infrastructure is mind-boggling, and it's all because it's done behind the scenes, allowing companies to flourish under the guise of convenience at the cost of biodiversity, ecological equilibrium, and of humans' abilities to think for themselves.
I can't even finish this, there's just so fucking much I want to say.
Ban advertising!
Stop subsidizing corn!
Stop washing away topsoil while drenching our food in petrochemicals!
No more suburban Sprawl! (Way to fucking go, California!)
Restructure wastewater systems! So fucking much water goes down the drains that shouldn't.
Make gentler soaps and detergents!
There's way too much.
God everyone, please, wake up to what's happening around you! Everyone is so complacent and expects so much of their surroundings and are willing to give very little, it seems. I don't want to believe that's the case, as cynical as I usually am.
Everyone read Cradle to Cradle, Ecological Design, Field Notes from a Catastrophe, and Design by Nature.
They are eye-opening books that express very well what we have done to get to this point (design by nature), what the real consequences have been from these causes we've made (Field notes) and give a hopeful nearly play-by-play instructions on common-sense steps towards true sustainability. But I would actually read them in the order I listed them up there.
They certainly opened my and my housemate's eyes. We've become like those young folks in the '60s and '70s who want to learn to be closer to the land and move out to a rural area and learn to become self-sufficient. We plan to do this while living in Arcata or Eureka and going to Humboldt State. I figure once I'll learn exactly how to change the world, I'll do it. Move back to civilization, equipped with the knowledge that I am not a slave to the infrastucture and then I'll do what I can to make the infrastructure something I'd want to be a part of.
That's my goal, I guess.
There is just so much that is wrong with the world. |
|
|
| |
[May. 29th, 2007|02:44 am] |
my list of tattoos:
"I'll keep them still" written in an attractive but not too gaudy script somewhere
BRONTOSAUR
TYRANNOSAUR
whale from roommate pip's boardgame
so weird, things are so weird.
They've calmed down significantly, though.
weird. |
|
|
| |
[Feb. 11th, 2007|11:50 pm] |
If cupid were three inches tall, he'd use a bow I made and an arrow John made. We are masters:
Guys seriously that paperclip is the kind that is about an inch and a half when in shape. WE ROCK. |
|
|
| |
[Feb. 11th, 2007|10:11 pm] |
It's when I get this weird jealousy about other peoples' lives being more interesting. I fear complacency so much. It's like an alarm that goes off inside of me that knows I need to get out of this situation. To something "better". Unfortunately, there's no real validity to the idea of better because for me it just means anything that isn't what I'm doing. This is the biggest test of whether or not I can see with a long-term perspective. My life is not merely punctuated by situations, they litter the sentences like consonants. Every other week is a whole new version of the same situation, or an entirely new one itself. Everything changes around me to a scarifying degree! I can't keep the same ideas in my head on a day to day basis, and I constantly re-analyze, so my awe and fear of the situation is being constantly refreshed. Nothing is ever settled in my head.
I think this is really why I feel like the last few weeks have been going by so quickly. Things are settling down in one way and picking up in another. I can't focus on the settling down, it almost doesn't exist, and those are the times that stretch out the day. Without those all I am is rushing all the time. Recall just skips over it.
Sometimes I just want to be able to not be thinking about something at any given moment. I think that's why I've been smoking so much weed lately. I can actually focus on things that are okay, instead of magnifying extremely negative things in my head.
It's like the difference between a cut on your knee and watching the microscopic bacteria fester on the wound in real time. Don't get me wrong though, festering bacteria's not always terrible. I guess fester just kind of has a negative connotation.
Anyway, now I can focus entirely on something absolutely wonderful, like art or photos or music. Most of my analysis goes to that. And even now when it's trained inwardly it does more good than harm. I was kind of fighting with it earlier but not feeling like crap kind of won out over feeling like crap. That's pretty awesome.
I have realized some things about myself that I am not particularly pleased about, though. For instance, I have just realized that the kind of validation I give myself while out and about is based on people wondering about me. Anything, really. Not so much a marked interest such as dudes wantin' to bone, just maybe someone wondering anything as inane as where I got my stockings or what my daily life is like. It's a different sort of arrogance than just wanting to be hot. Wanting to be interesting or worth wondering about, or really being presumptuous enough to think you are, seems as though it's based more in wanting to seem cooler than I feel my life has been thus far.
It's funny because what I really want with another person is for them to not only be okay with how I can get but to nurture it as well. I really have shown a lot to someone like Jack, for whom it was almost all he got to see of me. But at the same time I don't think that that was at peak. Especially since toward the end I got really self-conscious. Around Ryan, though, the one from San Diego who's been visiting, he's likened me to a retarded child, and I still feel completely comfortable being around him. Lately on the train I just want to whoop with sung tongs amd shout and clap my hands whenever appropriate. And I bet if I started singing that with Ryan he'd just sing along. We are silly kids saying silly things because words can be fun just as their meanings can be, and when you let both get together and have a party, it just gets crazy in your head. Good crazy, though.
well shucks. someone came online, now I'm focusing on their conversation. It's a little crazy. I'm trying to convince my friend patrick to go to south america for a while instead of san francisco and denver.
And now a picture. I love you, San Francisco. Let's just love each other, alright?
 |
|
|
| Same fucking window, different visual. |
[Jan. 12th, 2007|08:14 pm] |
There is no reason in my life anymore! Logic stopped existing! I subsist on infeasible desires and irrational decisions!
Wait, is it un- or infeasible?
I'm getting my hair cut soon.
I have gotten an offhand unprofessional diagnosis of manic depression, or bipolar II disorder. It may very well be true. Less manic, more hypomanic.
I spend the times I am not ridiculously happy sobbing violently alone in my room.
Poor Jack. There can't be anything more between us. His decision, not mine!
I'm living in a mental minefield right now. Explosions left and right! This was where the enemy was supposed to have gotten to full force to wreak the most damage, but nowadays it's all civilians and innocents lost in the fire of a war that wasn't theirs to suffer from.
I've been a big huge mess. You guys have no idea. I've got knots knots knots in my chest all the time and I've been losing weight.
I'm not meant for sustained happiness. I am good at just ruining it.
Also, so much Aesop Rock and Daedalus' Exquisite Corpse album. OH SO MUCH.
I'm not unhappy right now so all of this seems weird to talk about.
Also maybe doomed romantically? Always the dang ol' same thing. |
|
|
| HEY GUYS |
[Jan. 3rd, 2007|02:03 am] |
YEAH GUYS HEY, WHY DON'T WE TALK ABOUT THINGS LIKE PAPER TOWELS GROWING LIKE A TREE.
How about something like how the rings around the paper towel are always increasing, you can count them and tell how many weeks old it is. I hope it is some short amount of time like a week because if it took years to become as thick as it is it would be as sad to chop it down! There is history in the rings of a paper towel! This towel was around to see the civil war! See! That would be sad.
Paper towel harvests! this is an easy scheme for making money, I am all for it.
I am your nigerian scammer, with a solid gold investment pitch:
I already have the fields sown, all you have to do is reap the profits of: PAPER TOWEL HARVESTING.
Now give me your bank account numbers so I can forward you from my swiss bank account the starting cash required to greenlight this lucrative operation.
Twenty years later, paper towel logging has ruined the beautiful natural ecosystems in many regions of the world. Attempting to wean both industry and consumer off the depencency on natural resources, ecologists and materials scientists are working together in finding ecologically and economically friendly alternatives to the now rare paper towel. Unfortunately the pulling out of the paper towel logging industry is toppling economy after economy as small towns the world over feel the downsides of ecological awareness and the real impact it has on communities.
Anyway, I love cute overload.
I am living in a house full of interesting fun people.
I have a few close friends with whom I can talk.
There are new endeavours being undertaken as we speak. Secret missions and willingness and things like that!
Espionage! Talking with hands! Hearing with our eyes! New subjects of study for us to conquer. Life is full of schedules and things happening. Waves have the ability to crush you under their force, or you can ride them! I am going to learn how to surf as well, but only within the context of this metaphor!
You guys, my emotions are what make up the ground under Mexico City. It liquefies during an earthquake. But guess what! There are so many people that live and work their different lives in that city. |
|
|
| |
[Dec. 30th, 2006|07:24 pm] |
 |
|
|
| |
[Nov. 28th, 2006|07:57 pm] |
You know what sucks?
my mom's best friend died last night. Her husband died about two months before.
My family has so much to owe to them and so far to go before we can feel guiltless.
We aren't guiltless, why should we get too feel that way?
The woman who watched me all the time when I was really little led a sad life and then died.
I can't handle other people's pain because I feel like I am drowning in it. Everything makes me depressed because other peoples' sadness is like an airborne tablet being dropped into a cup of water. Concentrated vitamins blooming in my brain, giant bubbles of emotion popping and leaving residue. Imagine tiny bubbles behind your eyes. They make it so you kind of can't see anymore.
I feel disappointed in myself and every surrounding circumstance. I'm getting so frustrated in my life that I'm lashing out at Ryan because I am getting annoyed at how opposite our attitudes are. The slightest of actions and tones made by him underline his selfishness and with him I cannot be accomodating and look past them as I do with most people. I just get angry. And I feel like he's done a big part in staining what would be an otherwise totally fucking awesome friendship with Gabe. I didn't want to have to choose. I didn't even get a choice! At no point did I want this. I'm tired of it, I want to drop from everyone's radar, but in that case I might as well move back to San Diego. The self-loathing and loneliness would still be there while the rent and shitty shitty workplace would disappear. |
|
|
| |
[Nov. 3rd, 2006|01:10 pm] |
First rain of the season spent on the beach sitting on my jacket with a soft rain touching my arms, it was magnificent.
Life is pretty okay. |
|
|
| |
[Oct. 24th, 2006|03:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | HOME! | ] |
I woke up at a place that come the 1st I will be paying rent for.
I guess that means that for the first time in a little under a month, I woke up at home. Funny! It's easy to acclimate to this.
I had the biggest craving for deviled eggs. After Gabe went to work I was going to get up and pick up some food! Also copy a house key! But I napped instead, and it was glorious. I napped and I woke up alert and awake. Crazy! When was the last time that happened?
But I am still going to go pick up food. I finally remembered the name for the japanese mustard that makes my deviled eggs supreme. I want some god-damn karashi. I'm only in Hella Asian City, this shouldn't be too hard.
Thank you, internet, for laying in my lap everything I could ever need. From fucking wonderful friends to a god-damn apartment to the location of surrounding safeways, you have made my life infinitely easier and awesome. |
|
|
| |
[Oct. 23rd, 2006|01:40 am] |
I have hell of cash and I bought two expensive ass dresses that are totally awesome.
There is still that pendulum swing between low self-esteem and elation and I feel bad for missing my gangly Ryan.
I am going to be moving into Gabe's house soon since on the 1st I will be paying rent. |
|
|
| |
[Oct. 22nd, 2006|02:16 am] |
I've discovered that there is no such thing as weekdays in San Francisco.
I am out whatever got damn night I happen to be out. What? |
|
|
| |
[Oct. 20th, 2006|09:58 pm] |
I'm swinging like a monkey between exhilaration and pretty intense depression.
I think I've got a place to stay come november. It's actually my friend Gabe's old room in a pretty big house, with a fireplace and a washing machine and a huge closet and awesome kitchen. I've got much more than enough for the move-in costs. Enough that with the right planning I'll be going to Japan come spring with my mother.
Fuck yes.
In the meantime, I'm becoming more and more unhappy with myself and my self-esteem is just getting lower and lower. One girl actually said something to the effect of "you can't be saying that you have a hard time finding guys!" more or less unprovoked, and man. That sucked.
Maybe I should start coming on to the many homeless people around here. I doubt I'd be turned down. Way to go me.
I am going to go drink a bunch of nyquil and cry into someone else's pillow. |
|
|
| |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|09:30 am] |
Hello people.
Things are strange and wonderful. |
|
|
| |
[Jun. 19th, 2006|08:47 pm] |
|
Notice anything different? |
|
|