You know what sucks?

my mom's best friend died last night. Her husband died about two months before.

My family has so much to owe to them and so far to go before we can feel guiltless.

We aren't guiltless, why should we get too feel that way?

The woman who watched me all the time when I was really little led a sad life and then died.

I can't handle other people's pain because I feel like I am drowning in it. Everything makes me depressed because other peoples' sadness is like an airborne tablet being dropped into a cup of water. Concentrated vitamins blooming in my brain, giant bubbles of emotion popping and leaving residue. Imagine tiny bubbles behind your eyes. They make it so you kind of can't see anymore.

I feel disappointed in myself and every surrounding circumstance. I'm getting so frustrated in my life that I'm lashing out at Ryan because I am getting annoyed at how opposite our attitudes are. The slightest of actions and tones made by him underline his selfishness and with him I cannot be accomodating and look past them as I do with most people. I just get angry. And I feel like he's done a big part in staining what would be an otherwise totally fucking awesome friendship with Gabe. I didn't want to have to choose. I didn't even get a choice! At no point did I want this. I'm tired of it, I want to drop from everyone's radar, but in that case I might as well move back to San Diego. The self-loathing and loneliness would still be there while the rent and shitty shitty workplace would disappear.