It's when I get this weird jealousy about other peoples' lives being more interesting. I fear complacency so much. It's like an alarm that goes off inside of me that knows I need to get out of this situation. To something "better". Unfortunately, there's no real validity to the idea of better because for me it just means anything that isn't what I'm doing. This is the biggest test of whether or not I can see with a long-term perspective. My life is not merely punctuated by situations, they litter the sentences like consonants. Every other week is a whole new version of the same situation, or an entirely new one itself. Everything changes around me to a scarifying degree! I can't keep the same ideas in my head on a day to day basis, and I constantly re-analyze, so my awe and fear of the situation is being constantly refreshed. Nothing is ever settled in my head.

I think this is really why I feel like the last few weeks have been going by so quickly. Things are settling down in one way and picking up in another. I can't focus on the settling down, it almost doesn't exist, and those are the times that stretch out the day. Without those all I am is rushing all the time. Recall just skips over it.

Sometimes I just want to be able to not be thinking about something at any given moment. I think that's why I've been smoking so much weed lately. I can actually focus on things that are okay, instead of magnifying extremely negative things in my head.

It's like the difference between a cut on your knee and watching the microscopic bacteria fester on the wound in real time. Don't get me wrong though, festering bacteria's not always terrible. I guess fester just kind of has a negative connotation.

Anyway, now I can focus entirely on something absolutely wonderful, like art or photos or music. Most of my analysis goes to that. And even now when it's trained inwardly it does more good than harm. I was kind of fighting with it earlier but not feeling like crap kind of won out over feeling like crap. That's pretty awesome.

I have realized some things about myself that I am not particularly pleased about, though. For instance, I have just realized that the kind of validation I give myself while out and about is based on people wondering about me. Anything, really. Not so much a marked interest such as dudes wantin' to bone, just maybe someone wondering anything as inane as where I got my stockings or what my daily life is like. It's a different sort of arrogance than just wanting to be hot. Wanting to be interesting or worth wondering about, or really being presumptuous enough to think you are, seems as though it's based more in wanting to seem cooler than I feel my life has been thus far.

It's funny because what I really want with another person is for them to not only be okay with how I can get but to nurture it as well. I really have shown a lot to someone like Jack, for whom it was almost all he got to see of me. But at the same time I don't think that that was at peak. Especially since toward the end I got really self-conscious. Around Ryan, though, the one from San Diego who's been visiting, he's likened me to a retarded child, and I still feel completely comfortable being around him. Lately on the train I just want to whoop with sung tongs amd shout and clap my hands whenever appropriate. And I bet if I started singing that with Ryan he'd just sing along. We are silly kids saying silly things because words can be fun just as their meanings can be, and when you let both get together and have a party, it just gets crazy in your head. Good crazy, though.

well shucks. someone came online, now I'm focusing on their conversation. It's a little crazy. I'm trying to convince my friend patrick to go to south america for a while instead of san francisco and denver.

And now a picture. I love you, San Francisco. Let's just love each other, alright?